GARY MASON

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gary@gary-mason.com

General

There’s no such thing as a free lunch

Acting, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

Well, here we are…

And I’m having to come up with my own topics again. I’m discovering that writing is easier than deciding what to write.  I’m not complaining, but when I decided to start writing a weekly blog, I thought the topics would be easy and the writing not so much.  I confess that I never (used to) enjoy writing, and yet, here I am enjoying it! What I’m not looking forward to is coming up with fresh topics each week, so if there is something you’d like me to write about, leave it in a comment below. Anyway, such is life.  Enough whining, let’s get on with it!

Interesting origin…

In doing a little research into the topic, I found that this phrase, which is common and recognizable, has its origins in the 1800’s USA when bars would offer a “free lunch” to anyone who bought a drink.  Of course, all of the food was very salty, which compelled the diners to buy more drinks.  Eventually there was a recognition that the “free lunch” had hidden costs such as driving a desire for more drinks.

But we’re not really talking about “lunch” here…

I mean, we could be, but speaking more generally it is referring to the idea that everything, even free stuff, has a cost.   And no, I’m not getting political and talking about governments giving people free stuff that other people have paid for.  For this discussion, we are talking about the cost to an individual receiving something for nothing. Bear with me, it’ll all be clear soon.

Everything has a value

If you think about it, everything we have has some value.  It may be monetary value, it may be sentimental value, social value, psychological value…the list goes on.  We start with the basis that everything has intrinsic value of some kind. The scarcer something is, the greater its value.

Opportunity cost

What we are really talking about here is this: Opportunity cost.  Resources are finite, so if you use a resource for one thing, then you don’t have it for another thing.  It’s kind of like the “You can’t have your cake and eat it too” thing. That one always baffled me; I mean… I always thought if you didn’t have your cake, there was no way you could eat it…but I digress.

Sometimes

It occurs to me that this phrase is usually, but not always, true.  In rare circumstances there actually IS such a thing as a free lunch (well, getting something for nothing anyway).  Chances are people who love you have given you food or presents or their time and expected nothing in return.  So, it is not really fair to say there is no such thing as a free lunch, but it sounds better than: There are very few instances when someone agrees to give you something without expecting anything at all in return.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Have you heard this one?  My stepdad had this mindset, he even told me when I left for bootcamp: “If the government wants to give you something, take it, even if you don’t want it”.  He took anything that was offered “for free” and never seemed to get ahead.  The truth s you should ALWAYS check out the gift horse’s mouth.  Ask yourself what this “gift” might be costing you.  In most cases, you’ll be able to figure out the cost if you just pay attention.

A couple examples

  • Mom offers to make your favorite dinner Friday evening since you are a freelancer, and she knows you don’t have steady income. What a sweet thing for her to do!  But what is the cost to you? TIME. Time may be the scarcest resource we have, and if you spend time with mom, you won’t have that time to do something else.  Now, spending time with mom while you still have her is also very valuable, but the point is you won’t be able to record that audition or go on that date Friday.  You have to decide whether time with mom is more valuable than whatever else you intended to do (hint: it probably is).
  • You want to go someplace for a quick vacation. You can drive or fly.  If you drive, it may take hours on the road, dealing with traffic and (depending on how far away) maybe even an overnight stay along the route.  Flying may be a lot more expensive, but far faster.  You need to decide if the cost of the airline ticket has more or less value than your time in the car.

Tradeoffs

There are tradeoffs in nearly everything in life.  We make these tradeoff decisions sometimes hundreds of times a day, usually without even thinking about them. If I was going to summarize what I’m getting at here it would be: Think about them.

What’s the catch?

It’s wise to always look at a “free lunch” situation by starting with the question: What’s the catch?  I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase often, and it forces you to look for hidden costs.  In the vast majority of situations where you may be receiving something “free” there is an expectation that you’ll give something in return.  I’ll help you move for free, but you have to feed me and buy the beer.  Or we’ll give you three nights in our beautiful resort if you’ll sit through three hours of high-pressure sales tactics for our time share program.

It’s not always money

Sometimes the catch is money, sometimes it’s time, or maybe even some emotional drain.  The “catch” may be well hidden, but you’d do well to at least find and understand the catch, so you know if it’s worth taking whatever is offered.  Sometimes the free thing is worth more to you than the hidden cost, so it is perfectly reasonable to accept…but it should be a conscious choice.

Your career

As a VO artist or actor (or both) it is imperative to look for and understand the cost of that “free” thing you are considering.  At the very least these things are likely going to cost you time, workmanship quality, money, or reputation.

Getting started

I get it, you want to do VO or start acting in order to earn extra money, not spend a bunch.  I’ve seen countless people on social media trying to get started as cheaply as possible, and I get it.  You’ll definitely have to make tradeoffs in your career in order to start generating income but be aware of the costs of doing so.  Can’t afford a professional booth and want to build a moving blanket fort to record in?  Fine, but know going in that means you’ll wind up having to record at odd hours when everyone else is asleep and spend longer editing/processing afterward.

Training and coaching

This is where I see most beginners make the mistake of not understanding the true cost of either not doing it at all or finding the absolute cheapest training you can find.  This industry requires you to know what you’re supposed to do and how to do it and do it well.  The only way to do that is through training and coaching.  Well, assuming you want other people to pay you for doing it.

Equipment

If you want to be considered a professional VO artist or actor, you just can’t avoid buying professional equipment.  You simply cannot record VO on your mobile device and get hired.  You’ll need a decent microphone, interface, and software to accomplish it.  If you are an actor, while you CAN record good video on your mobile device, without proper lighting, background, and a microphone you will struggle to land paying jobs. The cost of buying equipment on the cheap (unless you are buying good quality used equipment from a reliable person or place) is that your quality is going to suffer.  At a minimum it will require a lot more time to have a good, finished product, and at worst you won’t EVER be able to have a quality finished product.

There are a million more things

There are a multitude of “free” items that you’ll have to assess every day in this business. Make sure that when offered some free service or item you are asking “What’s the catch?” and looking for that hidden cost.  And remember: There’s no such thing as a free lunch!

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If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!  And please feel free to share this blog on social media or with other people you think might enjoy it.

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Make Goals

Acting, Encouragement, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Make Goals”.

Drum roll please!

And…here we are. This is the long awaited 38th in the series post finishing the series!  So, I suppose the heading to this ought to read: Ending the series.  At any rate, this is it, the end of the line for my subset of the 100 wisest words series.  I don’t know if you’ll miss it, but I myself will now have to start coming up with my own fresh topics each week. So, part of me will definitely miss it!

It’s kind of ironic

I didn’t plan it this way, but the irony is not lost on me.  40+ weeks ago I made a goal to write a weekly blog based on a list of “wise words” published by someone else, and here we are as I reach the goal with a post about making goals! I promise it just happened that way.

What is a goal?

The term “goals” gets batted around a lot, but before setting a goal it is important to know what it is, and what it is not.  A goal is big and time sensitive.  It is not an objective (those are the steps you take to reach the goal), a resolution or a mission.  A goal is something “out of the box” that you are trying to achieve.  You should have goals set by week, month, year, 5 years and 10 years (as an example)

Goals

OK, so let’s dive in.  Why is it so important to set goals? The short answer is; without goals you’ll never know when you’ve achieved what you set out to achieve.  As author Bill Copeland says: “The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score.”.  And that is just what many people do.

How does making goals help?

There are several things making a goal will accomplish.  Goals give you focus, help you stay motivated and measure progress, they help you stay motivated and ultimately help you achieve more.  Of course, just setting the goal is only the first step…you have to take action to achieve the goal once it is set.

It’s like driving

I like to compare goal setting to taking a road trip.  Before you jump in the car and head off down the road, you need to have a destination in mind.  Just driving around until you see someplace you want to stop will only waste time and money.  And with fuel at $5.00 a gallon (or more in some places) you can’t sustain that model.  No, you must have a destination selected before you even walk out the door to get in the car!

But the goal itself is just not enough

What good is it to know where you want to go without some idea of how you plan to get there?  Again, like driving, simply saying “I plan to go to Los Angeles” and then driving around aimlessly hoping eventually you’ll wind up in Los Angeles won’t work.  You have to map out the trip.  And, yeah, I know with a GPS in your car it’s easier but stick with me here.

The first step

The first step in goal setting, believe it or not, is knowing where you are NOW.  If you want to go to LA, establishing a starting point is paramount!  Following directions from Atlanta to LA doesn’t work if you are in Billings, Montana.  And yeah, I get your GPS figures that out for you but don’t get stuck on that, the whole driving thing is just an analogy.

One BIG goal, many smaller objectives

You may have heard it said that the way to eat an elephant is: One bite at a time.  This is also true with goals.  Let’s face it, big goals are not achieved in one fell swoop (now THERE’S an oldie for ya!).  Big goals are achieved one objective (bite) at a time.

Which means

Once you have decided on a BIG goal and know where you are at in relation to that goal it’s time to look for intermediate objectives.  A series of smaller “goals”, if you will, that lead to achieving that big goal.  Let’s go back to that trip from Atlanta to LA by car.  Getting to LA is your big goal, but now you have to map out your route, and since you know it is going to take several days you’re going to have to figure out where you’ll stop to rest along the way.

So…

You pick a route (a series of highways) and then decide how many hours per day you’ll drive and figure out where you’ll be along the route when you need to stop.  In those locations you’ll make sleeping arrangements…maybe family, maybe a hotel, maybe a campsite…it doesn’t matter as long as you know ahead of time so you’ll have a place to rest.

Now…

Now that big goal doesn’t seem quite as daunting.  You have smaller, objectives (intermediate goals) to achieve along the way that keep you moving toward your bigger goal. So, you don’t have to worry about LA on day one, you only have to worry about reaching your first stopping point.  You set objectives that are reasonable, measurable, and achievable.  Achieve all your objectives, and you achieve your goal!  Easy right!?

Not so fast!

What if something interferes with an objective, or you change your mind about wanting to go to LA along the way?  In our example, what happens if your transmission decides to blow out on day two?  In those cases, you need to re-evaluate and replan.  It’s as simple as deciding if LA is still your ultimate destination (it is in this story) and then set objectives anew from wherever you are at.

Periodic review/renewal

Goals are not stagnant.  It is important to periodically review your goals and decide whether they are still goals you want to achieve. The goals are yours, so it is perfectly reasonable to drop a goal and add a new one…let’s face it LIFE HAPPENS, and we need to adjust when it does.

In business

As a freelance business owner (face it, your VO and acting career is a freelance small business) it is imperative that you set goals for yourself and your business.  Without goals, you’ll never know if you’ve become “successful” (as you have defined success for yourself).  What do you want your VO or acting career to look like next week?  Next month?  Year?  Decade?  Only you can answer these questions for yourself, and I would bet there are as many right answers as there are voiceover artists and actors.

And then…

Set some objectives for yourself.  Want to become an A-list actor?  Ask yourself what steps you need to take to get there.  Will you need training?  Maybe a degree?  Just like our trip from Atlanta to LA (which is a trip many VO Artists/Actors want to take, BTW) the first step is to determine where you are in relation to that goal.  Find a coach who can evaluate your talent/ability (someone who won’t pump smoke up your…well…backside). Then, based on that honest evaluation, map out the objectives along the way to get where you want to be.  Get training, get an agent, book some student films, then a couple Indie films and finally some 5 or less roles and co-star roles.  Whatever it takes.  And then FINALLY…keep at it…keep your eyes on the next objective and routinely evaluate if your ultimate goal is still right for you.  There are many forks in the road, and you MAY want to take one!

It’s your journey

And only you can map it out.  It doesn’t matter (to anyone but you) what your goals and objectives are.  What’s important is that you HAVE them and are tracking them.  So: Make Goals!

Looking for your next great read?  Check out the “New Ideas and Different Perspectives” promotion!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!  And please feel free to share this blog on social media or with other people you think might enjoy it.

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Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them

Acting, Encouragement, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Be kind. Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them”.

Yep, I took a week off

And I bet you didn’t even notice!  OK, maybe you did…at any rate, sorry if you missed me.  Last week I was on the set of Regaining Innocence, so early call times and long days.  OK, maybe not a week OFF exactly, but a week off writing the blog. Well worth it though, and I will write more about it in a couple months when it is close to being released.  If you follow the link above, you’ll see some behind the scenes pics of a fantastic cast & crew at work.

Who said this?

As I’ve mentioned, the topics in this series come from a list of “advice” I saw on Facebook, and we are coming up on the end of the list (so now I’ll have to find my own topics).  Anyway, this saying is often attributed to Plato or some other ancient philosopher, but it is MUCH more recent than that.  This one actually traces back to a Scottish Author writing under the name of Ian McLaren in the late 1800’s.

It’s no wonder

It’s no wonder this often gets attributed so far back, as the message it sends it timeless.  It is certainly as pertinent today as it was in the 19th century and would have been all the way back to the beginning of recorded time.  Life is not easy, and everyone is struggling with SOMETHING.

It’s also HARD

Being kind, especially in the face of some adversity or confrontation (which is kind of alluded to in the quote), is pretty difficult. People can be judgmental and cruel, and our natural inclination is to respond in kind (well, mine is anyway).  What this quote reminds us of is that each of us is struggling to move forward in life. We have no idea why a person may be angry or unkind.  It’s our response to that behavior that’s being addressed here.

We all struggle

It’s part of the human condition to have struggles at times.  We lose loved ones to illness and death, we lose our pets, our lover decides to leave us, our jobs are stressful, our cars break down…there is an endless list of things we deal with from day to day.  Everyone.

You never know

Most people don’t wear their troubles on their sleeves, so you just have no idea (usually) what trouble may be causing them to act in an unkind way.  To respond unkindly only serves to make their problems that much worse.  For all you know that short tempered “Karen” (sorry to all the people named Karen out there…I didn’t come up with the meme, but it works as an illustration) who is demanding to speak to the manager may have just gotten some really terrible news. Give her a break!

Empathy and Curiosity are the key

When confronted with a rude or angry person, taking a minute to try and put yourself in their shoes will go a long way to helping you respond kindly.  Ask yourself a couple questions to see if you can understand:

  •          Why are they acting like this?
  •          Is this a normal way for this person to act?
  •          Can there be some explanation for this behavior?
  •          What is the actual message here (beyond the words they are using)?

These are just examples, but you get the idea.  Try and put yourself in their position and understand WHY they are acting the way they are.

And then…

Remember times in your life when you were short, grumpy, or angry with people because of some event unrelated to them.  If they respond to you angrily, how did it make you feel, better or worse?  How did a kind response make you feel?  I venture to say the angry response elevated your anger, and the kind response made you feel a little better.  How would you want someone to respond?  Act that way!

The entertainment industry

And by “entertainment industry” I mean everything from voice artists, to actors, to producers, directors, cinematographers, grips and on down the line.  Why is it important to be kind?  I may have mentioned once or twice that this industry is built on relationships.  Being the person who always responds unkindly is not going to ingratiate you to the people you are working with, and it is LIKELY to ensure you don’t get as much work as you’d like.

No, there is no ACTUAL blacklist

Well, there is an actual show called that, but I digress.  I mean, there is not a list that gets shared around the industry of people to not work with (well, not since McCarthy in the 50’s anyway).  But for negativity, there is a pretty long memory.  Most of us can name a few celebrities who have a bad reputation, and casting professionals and production teams all read the news as well.  You don’t want to be that person.

An example from one of my productions

I was on set as a background actor.  As we were getting set for the scene, I was stationed in a hallway behind one of the principal actors (a “named” actor), when he turned to me and rudely said “Back up!  No, around the corner, I go on “action”.  I hadn’t said or done anything to this actor, I wasn’t invading his space or interfering with him in any way.  And of course, I was background so I was set to begin moving just BEFORE he was so in actuality, he should have been behind me.

How did I want to react?

I definitely had some colorful words I wanted to use.  Of course, using them would likely have gotten me removed from set, and thankfully there was a PA close by who got me and calmed me down before I said anything…but I really wanted to point out to this person that we were both working together, albeit in wildly different roles, to make the production the best it could be.

So, I asked myself

Why is this guy acting this way?  I decided it was one of two things:  Either he was just an arrogant, full of himself windbag who couldn’t stand being to close to “the help”, or he was a method actor who was trying to stay in character (his character was a bit of a butthead).  Either way, there was nothing I was going to do to change it or not make things worse.  I decided to believe he was just being in character and let it go.  I later found out from a fellow BG actor that he worked with him during a much happier scene and he was friendly and jovial…so I guess I was right.

But here’s the thing

As satisfying as it may have been to tell this guy off, it would have hurt me a lot more than him to make a scene (other than the scene we were TRYING to make).  I would have been asked to leave AND would have gotten the attention of the director and the rest of the crew…and not the kind of attention I wanted to have.

It makes YOU a better person!

The real damage to being unkind is to yourself.  Even when faced with someone who is being UNkind, responding kindly makes you a better person. It helps you to learn empathy and to recognize that people are not generally unkind, but are acting that way, usually, because of something going on in their life you may not be aware of.   And it doesn’t paint you as “THAT GUY” who is difficult to work with.

But it doesn’t mean…

Being kind doesn’t suggest that you condone bad behavior.  It doesn’t mean you overlook or are just OK with anything someone throws at you.  Being kind does not make you a doormat for people to just walk on.  It simply means when you DO take a stand and respond to negativity, you do it from a place of understanding and respond in a kind manner, even when disagreeing or chastising.  Sometimes you just don’t know what is going on with them or what terrible thing may have just happened that makes them act that way.

So…

Remember to always “Be Kind.  Everyone has a hard fight ahead of them” (even you!).

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!  And please feel free to share this blog on social media or with other people you think might enjoy it.

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Keep your word

Acting, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Keep your word”.

Promises

We all make promises, big ones, and small ones alike.  Many are implicit, but some are just implied. In this post, related to this post, we’ll talk a bit about why it’s important to keep your word.

It’s basic

We all know inherently that keeping your word is important.  It feeds one of the basic building blocks of relationships: trust.  Since I’ve said repeatedly that this industry is one of relationship, trust must be a huge part of it.

Back in the day…

Back when I was a kid my grandmother, who was definitely way smarter than she let on, used to tell me “You are only as good as your word”.  I didn’t quite understand, and she passed when I was in my early teens, but it’s something I remember today.  There was a saying back then that I don’t hear much anymore too:  My word is my bond.  No, not James Bond, bond like a surety or guarantee.

It’s like a contract

Giving your word on something is like a verbal contract.  Sometimes, it IS a legally binding contract, believe it or not. In today’s overly litigious society, we’ve gotten away from verbal (or handshake) agreements and traded them for overly wordy contract documents that try to cover every eventuality.  But even in just the last couple decades some pretty big deals were made with a handshake.

On a handshake

Believe it or not, over the last couple decades some pretty big deals were done, not in a law office pouring over reams of paper, but in unlikely locations sealed over a handshake!  In 2013 Verizon and Vodaphone merged in a $130 billion (yeah, with a B) deal in a hotel lobby with a handshake.  The 161 day NBA lockout in 2011?  That’s right, it ended with just a handshake allowing the 2012 season to commence just 17 days later.

Paperwork

These huge deals mentioned above, of course, followed up the handshake with a contract, to make sure all the details were captured properly, but the deals themselves were made based on the word of the negotiating parties.  Without the reputation for keeping their word, without trust, these deals could not have been made this way.

Politics

First, I apologize for using such a dirty word in this post.  I know it’s a family blog, sorry.  It’s common knowledge these days that politicians make promises on the campaign trail that rarely get fulfilled.  But politics weren’t always like that.  While this “design flaw” in our political system (yeah, I know it’s only ONE of the flaws) has led to a general mistrust in government and politicians specifically, at one point at least President Kennedy thought keeping your word was important when he said: “I would rather be accused of breaking precedents than breaking promises”.

Why do we sometimes not keep our word?

There are many reasons why we might not keep our word.  Not the least of which is we make promises to “get” something we want, without considering the amount of commitment we are making. Something like your teenager promising to take care of the dog/cat/turtle…whichever pet…without realizing just how much work that means.  We mostly have good intentions but overcommit and then don’t have time or energy to follow through.

Or…

Maybe we forget what we’ve agreed to do, or we may not even know we’ve made an agreement (Perhaps we should practice listening?).  Sometimes we agree to do something we never had any intention of doing, just to get someone to “go away” and “leave us alone”.  Or maybe, we intend to follow through, but some shiny new object comes along that takes our attention away.  None of these are good reasons to fail to keep your word!

Renegotiating

So, it happens to all of us.  We make a commitment, a promise, and when the time comes to follow through some circumstance has arisen that prevents us from doing it, or makes it much more difficult than when we agreed to do it.  So, what do you do?  Renegotiate!

Even if you have a written contract

Let’s face it, signing a contract with someone is the same as making a promise.  People renegotiate contracts all the time. It’s not considered going back on your word if you renegotiate because circumstances have changed.  The key is to not just ignore the commitment, but instead let the other party know how circumstances have changed, communicate a desire to honor the spirit of the agreement and renegotiate terms.

A definition

Just to be clear, I am lumping VO, Stage and Screen Acting all together and terming them “The Entertainment Industry” for this discussion.  What I am about to say applies equally to all of these.

The entertainment industry

The entertainment industry can be a pretty cutthroat place to work.  There, I said it.  While the people I’ve met in the industry are all helpful, friendly and encouraging, it stands to reason that 3 million people competing for 100,000 jobs can create some tough times.  Because of that, being true to your word becomes even more important.

Your reputation precedes you

As large as it is, the industry is a small world.  If you work in the industry for very long, you are going to work with many of the same people over and over again.  It’s a microcosm of the world.  Establishing yourself as someone who keeps their word and follows through on commitments is going to keep doors open that would slam shut if the opposite were true. It’s a small world, and word gets around.

An example

Even being the type of person who works very hard to make sure that you are keeping your word doesn’t stop things from happening to block (or make very difficult) your ability to do so.  What follows is a recent example from my career.

I signed a contract

I was cast in a role that I really wanted, for a production that is a lot of fun to work on.  YAY!  The contract was negotiated and signed months before commencement of production, and in between we have completed a table read and a blocking rehearsal. Production is scheduled and everyone has agreed.

Then, I was submitted for another role

Only this role is a HUGE production (can’t really discuss it yet, and nothing is final anyway) with A list actors, writers, producers, and directors.  You’d recognize all of them. Against all odds, I was asked to audition.  How exciting, right?  And then against even BIGGER odds, my audition was provided to the producer and director as one of the CD’s picks to be cast.  WOW!

What’s the problem there?

Right!?  That doesn’t seem like a problem, that’s a (potentially) huge opportunity!  Except, the big production is filming smack in the middle of the other one.  Of course.

So, what did I do?

Well, the first step of course was to let the new production know there was a potential conflict.  That could be a reason not to cast me, which is a bummer, but a commitment is a commitment.  The next step was to let the producer of the earlier project know of the opportunity and discuss if there was any leeway in scheduling.  It’s scary because it could mean losing both gigs.

So, what happened?

Well, nothing yet, really.  The larger production hasn’t made their casting decisions so there could be no issue at all.  The real result though, is by having the discussion with the producer of the already booked gig we were able to discuss how we might be able to continue should I book the bigger gig. At the end of the day, communicating conflicts and having the discussion with the producer allows me not only to maintain an open opportunity, but to find a way to honor commitments I’ve already made.

But what REALLY happened?

Really what happened is it established me as someone who takes their commitments seriously.  This is good for both productions and the decision makers for each.  My present producer knows he can count on me to honor my commitments, and it ALSO tells the larger production I won’t just cut and run when something better comes along.  While it may prevent them from casting me in this role, it may well be a reason I stand out for another role or a future production.

In a way, this is win-win

It may not be immediately gratifying, since I could lose out on an enormous opportunity, but in the long run it helps to establish me as someone whose “word is their bond”.  As I’ve said many, many times, this industry is built on a foundation of relationships, and relationships are built on trust.  It doesn’t happen overnight, but having a good reputation means more opportunities in the future.  Keep your word!

P.S. If you are looking for your next great Non-Fiction read, head on over to April’s promotion at  “Knowledge in Time” and check out some great content!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!  And please feel free to share this blog on social media or with other people you think might enjoy it.

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Make Time for Your Mom on Your Birthday, It’s Her Special Day Too!

Encouragement, General, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Make Time for Your Mom on Your Birthday, It’s Her Special Day Too!”.

Your Birthday

Birthdays are special days.  They not only mark another trip around the sun for each of us, but they also celebrate the day we came into the world.  It is a recognition of how special each of us is, and how the world would be a different place without us in it.

Celebrate!

By all means, celebrate your special day!  Gather with friends, have an adult beverage, eat cake.  Do something that makes you smile.  All these things are important, not to mention fun.  However you like to spend your special day, do it.  You do you!

Mom

Just remember to set aside at least a little bit of time for your mom on your birthday. Remember, your birthday is a special day for her too!  There are a number of things that make your birthday special to her:

  • It is the first time she met you after carrying you around inside her for the better part of a year!
  • She is probably the first person YOU ever met!
  • She is the first person, EVER, to wish you a happy birthday!
  • She knows you better than ANYONE (probably even your dad) and gives you the best cards and gifts.
  • She misses you. Yep, even if you are still living at home with her.  Trust me, no matter how much time you already spend together she wishes it were more.

Dad

As a dad myself, I didn’t want to leave them completely out of the discussion, but hey, this post is about MOMs, so I won’t spend too much time talking about dads.  Yeah, your birthday is a special day for him too, but not even remotely the way it is for a mom.  After all, he had the easy (maybe even fun) part of your birth.  He loves you, he’s (probably) proud of you and ALSO misses you, but he never had the pleasure of you lying on his bladder making him pee every 15 seconds like your mom did.

My mom

Growing up, we were on the extreme lower end of “middle class” families.  I know there were, and are, people worse off than we were, but it was a constant struggle for us.  With an alcoholic and usually unemployed stepfather, it was my mom that held the family together.  She worked full time and took on as many extra shifts as she could.  As a result she was rarely home, and when she was she was exhausted.  She didn’t really have the time or energy to do much around the house or discipline us. I was the oldest of three, and much of that landed on me.

I was resentful

For many years after leaving home, I was resentful of being the one that had to skip football practice to come home and care for my younger sisters, cook dinner and all the other little things that keep a household moving forward.  I really didn’t have a sense of how hard she was working.

As a result

Because of this resentment, I distanced myself from her for many years after I went away to join the navy.  I remember her crying when I told her I enlisted…I was ELATED to be escaping.  I couldn’t wait to get out on my “own”.  I moved away and “never looked back”.  You’ll know from earlier posts that I tell my kids to “never say never” …and I would have been better served if someone had taught me that.  SPOILER: I looked back.

But not right away

MY mom became a master guilt tripper.  I actually bought her a little ceramic sign to hang in her kitchen one Christmas that said, “Pack your bags, we’re going on a guilt trip!”.  She chuckled, but I’m not sure she was as amused as I was.

Her favorites

Some of her favorite guilt trips to get me to come visit her were: “I wore underwear with holes in them just so you could have $20 for the prom” and “I lived on popcorn and Pepsi so you could have food”.  And other similar gems.  My guess is some of you have similar experiences.

It wasn’t till later

I was in my late 30’s when I realized that her “guilt trips” were just cries to have more of my time.  By that time, I had kids of my own, and on a junior sailor’s salary supporting 4 kids it seemed I was always working a second job.  Between spending time at sea, and those second jobs I was, like my mom, either not home or exhausted when I was…so I finally understood that those sacrifices she made for me were REAL.  Turns out I was not a great son.

And then

So, in my late 30’s, I finally reconnected with my mom.  Two things stand out to me from that period:

  1. Her entire attitude was “I’m awfully glad to have you back” when it could have been “You’ve ignored me for so long you don’t deserve my attention”.
  2. The guilt trips stopped (well, mostly…but now when they happened it was more of a joke).

We did disagree…a LOT

I have, for a long time, been a “glass half full” guy.  She was, for as long as I can remember, a “What glass?” lady.  If you ever wanted to know why something you were trying to accomplish was impossible, just tell her you are trying to accomplish it.  It made for some interesting conversations; I can tell you that!  We lived in different areas of the country, so mostly we spoke on the phone and nearly all our conversations included her saying “I don’t know why I talk to you!”.  

But…

Every conversation ended by telling one another we loved each other.  And we did.  And I was confident that she loved me like only a mother can.  She welcomed me back with open arms after all, and never ONCE tried to make me feel bad about the time we lost.

And then, suddenly

And then, suddenly, she was gone. I spoke with her on the phone from work one afternoon…and it was a pretty frustrating conversation.  She was asking me for help with a problem, but just kept shooting down all the things she could do to resolve it with “That’ll never work” language. I was not really a fan of her defeatist attitude.

The next morning

I didn’t think much of that conversation at the time.  It was like many we had over the course of a couple decades. I just figured I’d talk to her in a day or two and see how things were going.  But the next morning my sister called to tell me she had passed away overnight.  That frustration was no longer important.

And now

I don’t have many regrets in life.  As a matter of fact, life has been very good to me.  Today I consider myself to be on the extreme UPPER edge of middle class.  I have four great kids who I am in contact with almost every day (thank you email and text messaging, not to mention unlimited calling minutes that you can use before 7PM on a weeknight).  I credit the work ethic my mother embodied when I was growing up for much of my success.  Thanks mom!

My one big regret

Is the time I lost with my mom.  On my 50th birthday my wife threw me a birthday party and brought my mom down to celebrate it.  For my birthday she gave me $50 (which was a LOT of money for her) and a single silver half-dollar that was minted the year I was born.  She also reminded me (I was the oldest, remember) that I was the reason she became a mom.

You can’t get it back

I was devastated when mom passed, I felt un-tethered from the world.  To this day I beat myself up for missing almost 2 decades with her.  I would give almost anything for ONE more frustrating conversation with her.  But you can never get lost time back.

So…

Remember to always set aside some time for your mom on your birthday, it’s HER special day too!

And I get it…

There are many different life circumstances in families.  Some people are estranged from their mom, some have toxic relationships, some are adopted and don’t know their birth mom.  But there are also a lot of different ways to set aside time for her, even if you don’t know her or don’t get along with her.  Understand you can have a relationship with her if you remember that you can only have the relationship SHE is capable of, not the one you want.  Even if by yourself, take a few minutes to be grateful for the woman who carried you to term and then gave birth to you.  Don’t make the same mistakes I did!

What does this have to do with VO and Acting?

Nothing.  Nothing at all…except to say you would not be able to pursue this career that you love if it weren’t for your mom!

P.S.

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P.P.S

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It’s never to late for an apology

Acting, Encouragement, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “It’s never too late for an apology”.

Oh, apologies…

Yep, if you are a human being who is in contact with other human beings it is inevitable that you will do something that hurts or angers one of the other humans.  Intentional or not, we humans are GOING to do something that requires an apology.  Not IF, WHEN.

When should you apologize?

The truth is, as tough as it can be to apologize to someone, sooner is better than later.  Honestly, even if it is already later, apologize before it gets later still.  If you owe someone an apology, NOW is the time (whenever NOW is).  Frankly, it’s never too late!

Why is it important to apologize?

There are many reasons why apologizing when you’ve hurt someone or even just broken a rule of social conduct is good both for the person you’ve “wronged” and yourself.  Psychologists have studied the benefits and have come up with several reasons:

Trust

Apologizing lets the injured party know that you both know what the “rules” are and that you agree they should be followed.  It restores trust and helps them feel safe when they know you agree that hurtful behavior is not OK.

Dignity

A sincere apology restores dignity to the person you’ve hurt.  It lets them know that you are aware that whatever you have done was your fault and not theirs.  It helps them to feel better and it helps them “save face”.

Comfort

An apology will help to repair damaged relationships and facilitates communication.  It helps people start to feel comfortable with each other again and allows you to begin rebuilding damaged relationships.

Apologizing is not weak!

If I had to guess I would guess that almost everyone who is reading this has had, or knows someone who has had, a relationship completely destroyed over some argument or another, and because neither person wanted to “break down” and apologize that relationship stays damaged for a very long time.  Why is it that we feel we need to “break down” and apologize, as though life were some sort of game to be won or lost?  It seems we humans feel that apologizing is a sign of weakness, but in fact a sincere apology is a sign of strength!

Admitting fault

I think this is where it gets difficult and what keeps many of us from apologizing (sincerely) when we need to.  Let’s face it, none of us are perfect and in any disagreement, there is probably plenty of blame to go around on both (or more) sides.  THIS is where our pride gets involved.  It is difficult to look objectively at our own behavior and recognize where we are at fault.  Humility is key here.

Sincerity

I’ve used the term “sincere apology” several times here and for a good reason.  A genuine apology is sincere!  But what IS a sincere apology? Glad you asked!

Just saying “Sorry” …

Just muttering sorry is not really an apology!  It is so easy to say sorry and not mean it.  The truth is simply saying sorry is not really an apology.  A sincere apology has several aspects to give it real meaning.

  1. Own your action.
  2. Admit your mistake
  3. Show remorse.
  4. Ask forgiveness.
  5. Fix it by stating what you are going to do moving forward.

It is NOT easy

Take a look at that list again.  A sincere apology is not easy.  Just the first step may be the toughest one of all: Owning your action!  Just admitting that you have done something that requires an apology is a tough pill to swallow.  Any sincere apology starts with YOU, understanding that whatever you have done has hurt someone.

Facing the person you’ve hurt

The next tough thing is actually facing the person you’ve hurt.  Ever had to speak to someone who is mad at you for something you’ve done?  It’s tough sometimes to even get them to listen to you at all!  And then admitting out loud to them that you’ve made a mistake, showing remorse and humbly asking for forgiveness can leave some people paralyzed with fear.  If you can get to the last step, telling them how you’ll fix it…it starts to get easier.

What does a sincere apology look like?

A sincere apology might go something like this (fictional names of course):  Bob, I need to apologize for (this thing I did or said), I should never have done that, and I feel terrible that my actions have hurt you.  I would like to humbly ask your forgiveness for that, and I will make sure it never happens again by (how you’ll fix it).

It’s hard to stay mad

Think about someone your upset with.  If they came to you like this and asked forgiveness, how hard would it be to stay mad?  It is almost impossible to stay mad at someone who humbles themselves to you, admits their wrongdoing and asks for forgiveness.  One major benefit of offering a sincere apology is people don’t stay mad at you.

It’s not a miracle cure

No matter how sincere (or timely) you deliver an apology, don’t expect things to just return to normal right away.  Remember that your apology does not undo what was done.  It will not instantly reverse the hurt or embarrassment your actions have caused.  What it WILL do is start the healing process.  It provides hope and a path to rebuilding a relationship.

My story

This story may bring the idea home.  I had a disagreement with one of my children.  That’s not uncommon, but we are both pretty stubborn and strong willed and without naming names or going into details it caused us to become estranged.  It was terrible and I wanted nothing more than to heal that relationship…nothing more EXCEPT admitting I was wrong.  We did not communicate, at all, for THIRTEEN YEARS.  Yes, you read that right…thirteen years.

And then, tragedy

Again, no details but we found ourselves coming together in the same place over a tragedy.  It was uncomfortable and awkward, but we managed to have a short time alone and, after 13 years, I apologized (and I am not ashamed to admit I cried).  After all that time he forgave me and apologized for his role in the rift. Today, 5-ish years later we speak often and once again have a good relationship.  My pride (and stubbornness) took 13 years of my child away.  This is not something I’d wish on anyone.

It was NOT too late…

Thirteen years is a long time to be mad at someone.  It is a very long time to owe someone an apology and not give it. BUT…it was not TOO long.  It was not too late.  It’s never too late.

What does this have to do with VO and acting?

While the majority of this blog has been discussing personal relationships and the importance of apologizing, it is JUST as important in our line of work.  What is the entertainment industry based on?  Relationships!   Every interaction with a client or fellow performer is an opportunity to build relationships.  If we can remember that what we do is NOT focused on getting jobs or making bank, but in helping people bring their projects to life then we can focus on relationship and what we can do for them.

It’s almost MORE important in this industry

Everyone can think of some celebrity that has acted poorly and needs to apologize.  Most of us can point at someone in the industry whose career has come crashing down prematurely for lack of a sincere apology.  The thing is, in this industry, your success is based as much on your reputation and relationships as it is on your talent.  In most cases a producer/director would rather work with talent that is easy to work with and has a good reputation with minimal talent than an extremely talented person who is difficult to work with and can’t own up to their bad behavior.

But we ALSO know of…

Some entertainers who have acted badly, fallen from grace but then sincerely apologized and changed their behavior…and their careers take off like crazy.  I won’t name any, but I can think of a half dozen off the top of my head.  My guess is Google will find 1,280,000,000 results for “celebrities whose careers came back after an apology”.   This search result alone should convince you!

It’s never too late for an apology

It’s said that it’s important to apologize promptly, and I would agree with that.  What I may feel differently about is the definition of promptness when it comes to an apology.  The truth is the time to apologize is NOW.  That’s prompt.  It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since whatever it is you’ve done required an apology, because, It’s never too late for an apology!

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