Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Never Gloat”.

What is gloating?

It’s a word almost all of us are familiar with, but do we really know what it means?  Many of us (myself included until just a few minutes ago) think of gloating as bragging about accomplishments or “lording” successes over someone.  So much so, that googling “Why do people gloat?” results in the first page of results being all about bragging, and actual discussions of gloating are few and far between.

Websters

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gloat as:

• to observe or think about something with triumphant and often malicious satisfaction, gratification, or delight (italics mine)

Note the italicized word “malicious”. This is what sets gloating apart from bragging.

Bragging

Yeah, bragging is not cool either. It’s related to gloating, I suppose, but bragging is not malicious.  Bragging is you tooting your own horn, and boastfully proclaiming your accomplishments or successes.  Nobody like a braggart either, but their one saving grace is a lack of malice.  Brag if you must (hey we all do from time to time I suppose) and people will get tired of hearing you, but they are not likely to despise you for it.

Gloating is not bragging

Gloating is taking pleasure from others mistakes or problems.  You can dress it up like bragging if what happened makes you “right” while they were “wrong”, but it’s not bragging at all.  In German, the word for gloating is schadenfreude.  This is a compound word made up of two German words.  Schaden which means “damage” or “harm,” and Freude, meaning “joy”.  Literally, schadenfreude means joy over some harm or misfortune suffered by another.  Again, Merriam-Webster defines schadenfreude as:

• enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.

Envy

What does envy have to do with gloating?  It is the other side of the same coin.  Envy is feeling bad when someone does well, where gloating is feeling good when someone does poorly.  The emotion of envy is parallel to the emotion of gloating.

Compassion

Interestingly, we tend to feel compassion for people who are unfortunate and have issues due to circumstances out of their control.  We gloat when we feel that the person has some responsibility in their problems.  We especially gloat when a person brags about what they’ve done, and it ends in a bad result.  We enjoy seeing someone who is “too big for their britches” get “knocked down a peg” or who are “put in their place”, especially if it makes them look silly or dumb.

It’s happened to everyone

Or nearly everyone I believe.  We’ve pretty much all been in a position where we did something others warned us against, thinking we could make it work, and ultimately realized it was a mistake.  We’ve all had that “I told you so” discussion with friends or family (ESPECIALLY parents), and it is not fun.

Bad enough

It’s bad enough that we failed, it compounds the issue when people around you, especially people who purport to care about you, rub it in and are happy that things didn’t work out.  If you can remember how those made you feel, you may be less likely to make someone else feel that way.

Gloating at work

Work MAY be the place that most gloating occurs!  Ever had a colleague who took credit for your ideas, who was later embarrassed when found out?  Feel happy about that?  That’s gloating.  Had a supervisor who wanted to try something you told them wasn’t going to work that later failed just like you told them it would?  Also gloating.

In some ways, it’s understandable

It’s pretty natural to feel vindicated when things like this happen. After all, you TRIED to warn them!  But here’s the thing:  They already feel bad (or stupid) abut the failure.  We are our own worst critics after all.  Constant reminders and jokes about the failure are just not helpful.

A side effect of gloating

Gloating makes you look petty.  It leads to other people around you not trusting you and assuming you will stab them in the back given an opportunity.  Gloating, rather than making you look smart, tends to isolate you when you do it often enough.  In this age of CORONA, where we are all pretty isolated already, that’s the last thing anyone needs.

The antidote to gloating

How do you stop yourself from feeling joy at other people’s troubles?  Empathy and compassion.  Instead of celebrating a failure, take some time to listen and understand what led to the failure.  What were they thinking?  Why did they feel whatever they did would work?  Listen until you can empathically understand what led to the mistake, but don’t try to “fix it” …just listen.  Try to remember how YOU felt when you made a big blunder, and understand they probably feel the same way.  Along the way, let them know they still have value, even if it doesn’t feel that way to them in the moment.

The entertainment industry

In this industry, there are myriad opportunities for gloating.  In an industry with so much rejection and where performers are almost constantly told to “make bold choices” it’s inevitable.  Two people audition for the same casting, one makes a very bold choice and the other gets the role.  It’s easy to say “Why did you do it that way?” and “Look my way got me the part”.

Even worse

An even worse situation, and we see it played out in entertainment news and awards shows all the time, someone GOT the part but played it in a way that did not resonate.  “What were they thinking” headlines are everywhere, and it cannot feel good to the performer to be called out in front of the entire world.

Here’s the thing

You never really know why you didn’t get cast.  Sure, it COULD be your performance, but it is just as likely that:

1. You were too tall
2. You were too short
3. You were too fat
4. You were too thin
5. Your voice was too deep
6. Your voice was too high
7. Your hair was too short
8. Your hair was too long (although this can be changed)
9. You had a beard
10. You didn’t have a beard

Truth is

The truth is, aside from a bad performance, there are 1000 reasons why you may not have been selected for a job.  Odds are you just didn’t fit whatever the casting director, producer or director envisioned for the part.  Gloating when you get it is unproductive, and MAY cause hard feelings that affect you later in your career.

My navy boss used to say

I’ll never forget what one of my Chief’s in the navy used to say: “Be careful what toes you step on while climbing the ladder.  They may be attached to the a** you have to kiss in the future”.  That was true then, and it’s true now.  Gloating, taking pleasure in other’s failures, creates enemies out of the very people you may be relying on for future work.

It’s about relationship

Look, I get it.  No one likes a braggart or someone who is arrogant or pompous.  It’s almost natural to celebrate when people like this fail.  But here’s the thing: while no one likes a braggart, everyone despises someone who gloats.  In an industry that relies so heavily on relationship to succeed, it is against your best interest to gloat, even if you secretly think they “got what they deserved”.  One day, you’ll get what YOU deserve, and you just won’t want other people gloating about it.

Celebrate

Instead of feeling superior and celebrating other people’s failures, how about celebrating their wins instead?  Personally, if I am competing with another person for a VO or Acting gig and they get it, I am genuinely happy for them.  I understand this is a process of selection, not rejection, and there is another gig around the corner I may be perfect for.  Don’t be the guy celebrating peoples failures…NEVER GLOAT!

P.S.

If you are looking for your next great non-fiction read, check out this New Year Non-Fiction giveaway.  Please feel free to share this link with anyone of your contacts!

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Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant”.

Common sense?

I saw this topic on my list and said to myself: “Self, this is going to be a very short post”.  Why, you ask?  Well, it seems to me that the idea of not asking a woman if she’s pregnant is just common sense!  Apparently, I was wrong since a simple Google Search for that phrase, which I assumed would return meager if any results, returned 283 MILLION hits.  For those of you paying attention, that’s a lot.

Not so common.

Way back in 1996 when my youngest son Alex was just eight years old, he asked me “Dad, why do they call it COMMON sense?”.  Yeah, he was a pretty smart kid back then although that may be when he peaked, but those are stories for another day.  I told him it was satire.  Not really, but it was a fun conversation and I’m happy to be reminded of it.

Turns out…

He asked a pretty good question after all.  Because apparently common sense is not really very common at all.  I could probably write an entire blog just about common sense, but I’ll have to save it for later because this post is not about common sense, it’s about WHY you should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

It’s shocking

The first thing that struck me as I researched this topic, and while it may not seem like it, I DO research my topics, was the number of those Google hits that were written by bloggers writing about how often this has happened to them and how it made them feel.  The second thing that struck me about this was their descriptions of how it made them feel!  The third thing, go figure, is that in the vast majority of these stories it was a man who asked the question.

Full confession

I identify as a man (he/him) so I can almost understand why men are the biggest offenders.  To be fair, we can’t ever be pregnant so we can’t possibly know how it feels to nurture a human being in our bodies for nine months, nor the emotions attached to that.  On top of that we do not live in a word that tries to tell us what our “ideal body” should be.  Sure, there are SOME body expectations for men, but not only are they also imposed by other men they are not NEARLY as pervasive or have the same perceived importance in society.

Perceptions

We’ve all heard the saying that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  While it’s true, when the “beholder” is the owner of the body often times we feel as though we don’t “measure up” to some pre-prescribed notion of beauty.  Studies show that most often our perception is that we are not thin enough.  This is true for both men AND women BTW, but it is far more common for a woman to believe that her ideal body shape is thinner than her perceived actual body shape.  Just so we are clear here:  Women – you are beautiful.  Tall, short, fat thin…all of you are marvelous and beautiful.

In other words

It’s a lot more common for a woman to look at herself in the mirror, and no matter what body type she has, think “I’m fat”, than it is for a man to think that.  This is thanks in large part to the way the media portrays women.  Runway models are mostly too thin to be healthy.  Movies and TV shows depict mostly thin girls/women.  Let’s face it, media is trying to sell us on the idea that THEIR product is going to give us the body we want, which infers we now have the body we (and ostensibly everyone else) don’t want.

Research

The majority of research into the topic of body self-image has been conducted on women until relatively recently.  Recent studies indicate that women are more likely than men to have a negative self-image of their bodies.  Studies show that most of a woman’s dissatisfaction with her body centers around their weight.  Bear in mind this is on average, or a generalization.  All you have to do is look around a bit to see this is true.  Most weight loss programs highlight women who have lost weight, most not all.  Notice that most beauty products are also targeted at women.

Competition

Why is this so?  Well, guys, do you think your wife/GF/SO gets all dolled up for you?  Think again.  Studies ALSO show that the primary, if unconscious, reason women work hard to look younger and slimmer is to compete with other women!  You see, men are visual creatures and women are more focused on things other than looks, such as confidence, humor, success etc.  The perception is that if a woman is “attractive” then she will find it easier to attract a mate.  It’s evolution on display.

All that to say…

There are some pretty good, even if not emotionally healthy, reasons why you should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.  Think about it.  A pregnant woman is carrying around an 8-10 pound human in their midsection.  Generally speaking, this young human makes their belly bulge noticeably, at least in the last trimester of the pregnancy.  When you ask a woman if she’s pregnant, you are saying “I see a large bulge in your belly”.  If she’s not actually pregnant you are essentially saying “You look fat”.

Bad things can happen

There are several negative consequences to asking this question.  Perhaps she was pregnant and recently lost a child.  This is traumatic in and of itself, and then to be randomly reminded of it just rips the scab off the wound…if it has even scabbed over yet.  It can trash someone’s self-esteem, lower their confidence and could lead to depression or even fuel eating disorders and other mental health issues.

Self-esteem

Low self esteem can affect many areas of someone’s life.  It reduces confidence and may keep them from doing things they truly love, or prevent them from trying something new that could change their life.  Everything I’ve read indicates that a woman is already far more likely to have a low self-image and probably reduced confidence all on their own.  Inadvertently calling someone fat by asking if they’re pregnant only makes this worse.

To be honest…

These sort of negative consequences happen in men as well, although less frequently, but no one is going to ask a man if he’s pregnant so we focused on the repercussions for women here.  But guys, how would you feel if someone walked up to you and said “Hey, you look fat”?  Probably not great.

Truth is…

It’s probably none of your business anyway.  If a woman IS pregnant, and she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.

How does this relate to voice over or acting?

Well, it doesn’t really…not directly anyway.  But self-esteem and confidence in this industry are really quite important.  The industry is already rife with rejection, and the last thing we need is for anyone to add to the stress of it by randomly critiquing what we do or how we look.

You may think actors are confident…

And some may be.  After all, what we do is out there in front of the whole world to see.  But many performers struggle with imposter syndrome, constantly critique our performances and believe we could do better.  We are our own worst critics.  We don’t do this work because we think we are awesome, we do it because we love it and HOPE other people think we’re awesome.

At the end of the day…

None of us (well, MOST of us anyway) want to crush someone’s self-esteem or make them feel bad about themselves.  We want to build one another up, not tear each other down…even with an “innocent” question.  Asking someone if they’re pregnant MAY not be so innocent, so: Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

P.S.

If you are looking for your next great non-fiction read, check out this New Year Non-Fiction giveaway.  Please feel free to share this link with anyone of your contacts!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know and share it with friends and family.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Never pose with booze”.

Thank you

As we approach the end of 2021, I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog week after week, to all my colleagues who are the most helpful bunch on the planet, to my clients who let me keep doing this work that I love, to my agents and managers for always being positive and supportive,  and especially to my family and friends who have been very supportive over the last year.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.  Thank you for a stellar year, for reading my ramblings here, for allowing me to corner you into watching the short films I have been a part of and for generally being there for me.

Happy Holidays!

No matter what or how you celebrate, I’d like to say “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” to all of you!  I wish for a happy, successful (however you define success) and joyous New Year.  I look forward to sharing with you my successes and struggles in 2022 (2020 too?  YIKES, let’s hope not!).  My wish for all of you (and for myself I suppose) is that no matter how good (or bad) 2021 was for you that 2022 will be noticeably better.

It may be ironic

I’ve got myself a list of topics to write about each week, and it’s just ironic that THIS topic came to the top three days before the biggest drinking day of the year.  Enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebration, but please be safe and don’t drink and drive!

You’ve got less than a week, BTW

I’d also like ot point out that as it is now (as I write this) December 28^th, you have only three days left to come up with New Year’s Resolutions that you can abandon by February 1^st.  For me, I will resolve to lose weight next year, but since we’ll likely have a feast on New Year’s Day, I will abandon mine on January 1^st.  I prefer to be efficient.

On to the topic at hand

OK, now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk abut this week’s topic “Never pose with booze”.

Never

I’m not a fan of this word. My kids will tell you that I tell them all the time “Never say never”.  Never is a LONG time and you never know what could happen in the future, so I will caveat this topic to say, “Don’t pose with booze if it is not for a specific purpose”.

Why?

It seems silly to avoid posing with a drink in your hand.  Almost everyone who is “of age” (and let’s face it, many who are not) have enjoyed a beer, a glass of wine or a cocktail at some point.  Maybe at many points.  So why in the world is it a bad idea to pose doing something nearly everyone does?

Alcohol

Let’s start by looking at how alcohol affects a person’s body and behavior.  We all know, or have been told, that excess alcohol consumption can have major negative effects on health.  This is not a blog for a 12 step recovery program, so I’m not talking about alcoholism.  However, if you or someone you know has a real drinking problem, stop reading now and reach out to someone for help.  Start with Alcoholics Anonymous and get the help you need.  For family members reach out to Al-Anon.

It’s a brain thing

Alcohol consumption influences your brain.  Big revelation there, eh?   What happens is alcohol interferes with the communication pathways in your brain affecting the way your brain works.  It has a tendency to lower inhibitions, increase aggression and generally make people act in a way they probably would not when sober.  Clinically this is described in this way: “…alcohol impairs the information processing needed to inhibit response impulses–the abilities to foresee negative consequences of the response, to recall inhibiting standards…” (Steele CM, Southwick L. Alcohol and social behavior I: The psychology of drunken excess).  Again, we pretty much all know this.

We make bad decisions

In short what alcohol does, or at least can do, is create an environment in our brain where we have a tendency to make poor decisions.  Everyone has a story about a drunken friend who did something stupid or got themselves in trouble.  Maybe you (well, not YOU, but someone you know) got arrested for a DUI.  Maybe you said something to your family you regret.  Maybe you vomited on your boss’s shoes in the parking lot of the club (that’s a story for another time).  MAYBE you don’t even remember doing it!

Social standards

How do you define a bad decision?  Well, generally speaking we compare a behavior against some social norm or standard.  If you are acting in a way that is against or contrary to a social standard, we say that is bad behavior, or making a bad decision.  Drunk driving isn’t bad because you could hurt YOURSELF as much as because you can hurt others.  It goes against society, and against an established standard (of not doing things that hurt other people).

Interestingly

Studies show that people who have been drinking act against standards more often when the conflict with standards is the greatest.  In other words, you are MORE likely (when drinking) to behave badly when the “conflict” with social standards is the most extreme.  So, if it is a small mistake, you probably won’t make it…but if it is a HUGE mistake, well, that’s where you are more likely to go.

In perpetuity

This is a phrase artists hate to see.  For us, this means your client has the right to use your voice or image forever without compensating you.  It happens, but we don’t like it.  The problem as it relates to posing with booze these days is: It is in perpetuity.  Thanks to the internet and in particular social media, no matter what you do, it will always be there.  And people can (and will) find it.  People like prospective clients and employers. You can’t delete the internet.

Relationship

Let’s face it, this industry is all about relationships.  As I’ve said before, many times relationship is more important than talent (at least marginally).  I’m not suggesting someone with no talent can work consistently if they are good at relationship, but a very talented butt-head will work less than a less talented great person.

Guilt by association

I’m sure you’re familiar with this term.  When you have a relationship with someone people will “relate” their behavior with you.  No one is going to want to work with someone whose social media is loaded with pictures of themselves doing drunken things.  Everyone has seen pictures of drunken celebrities doing dumb things.  And we could all name some folks whose careers took a deep nosedive after doing dumb things while intoxicated.

Negative press

And negative press, while still press, is not the kind you want as a performer.  If all your pictures feature you with booze, when you finally do make a mistake, it’s not gonna be good for your career.

Times TO pose with booze

Getting back to the “never say never” idea, there are sometimes when posing with booze would be acceptable.  For example, if you are in a production that features booze, or you play a character that is an alcoholic…it wouldn’t be terrible to pose with booze.  Or should you book a gig to advertise some form of alcoholic drink, then you HAVE to pose with booze.  The key here is it is not YOU who is doing the posing, it is the character you are portraying.

At the end of the day

No matter where you are or what you’ve been doing, when someone pulls out a camera, put the glass down.  Of course, as we’ve talked about, if you’ve been drinking already you are less likely to follow this advice.

Lastly

Alcoholism (and addiction in general) affects nearly every family here in the US in some way.  It is a horrible disease that breaks up families, causes pain to the alcoholic and nearly everyone around them.  If you or someone you know needs help with addiction for alcohol or any other substance, reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) right away to get started on recovery.  Remember that withdrawal from alcohol and other substances can be dangerous, even fatal and should be monitored by healthcare professionals.  You may not be able to do it yourself, but you CAN beat addiction.

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!