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Acting

Never be the last one in the pool

Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Never be the last one in the pool”.

Why do I do this to myself?

This week’s topic is a doozy.  I’m not really sure what I was thinking when I picked this list of things to write about, or why I thought I could punch out 1500-ish words about being the last one in the pool.  It occurs to me that I could just skip this topic and no one would be the wiser because:

  1. None of you can see my list
  2. Even though I mentioned 38 topics when I started, I’m pretty sure no one is keeping track…and
  3. I’m not completely sure anyone reads these posts anyway

Two truths and a lie

Ever play that game?  I have.  Anyway, that last item on the above list isn’t true.  I know SOME people read this because occasionally they comment.  And that makes me happy.  So, if, despite this week’s topic if you’d like to make me smile, go ahead and leave a comment.  And you folks advertising Viagra and porn sites, disregard that last comment and don’t bother.  Comments are moderated so they won’t get published anyway.

So, what is a pool?

Most people, me included, think of that backyard body of water when someone mentions the word pool.  Interestingly, it occurs to me that a pool could be one of several things.  It CAN be that small body of water in your backyard that requires massive maintenance and expense (have you figured out how I feel about owning a pool?), it could be billiards and it could be a group of people.  I’m pretty sure we’re not talking about billiards since you can hardly be “in” a pool table. Therefore, we’ll just ignore that one.

What does “last one in” refer to?

It also occurs to me that the original author could have meant a couple different things when referring to being the “last one in” as well.  Do they mean never be the last one to ENTER a pool? Or, perhaps, they mean never be the last one REMAINING in the pool.  So many choices, but let’s tackle each one separately.

Last one entering the body of water

Hey, everyone else is in the pool splashing around and having a great time.  Why are you standing around waiting?  Have fun, get in the water.  No one likes to be “on the outside looking in” when everyone is having a great time, besides, if you are standing on the edge of the pool you’ll be the one who has to constantly run around retrieving balls and frisbees from the yard.  Unless you’re like me and want to cannonball everyone else, don’t delay, get in the water!

Last one leaving the body of water

When it’s time to get out, don’t linger.  You may turn into a prune, and you’re also likely going to get the dregs of the food after everyone else has eaten. And if the owners of the pool have all gone to bed for the night and you are still languishing in their pool then it is a pretty safe bet that you’ve overstayed your welcome.

The pool as a group of people

In my 61 trips around the sun (WOW, I am OLD now!) I’ve been in a lot of pools.  Every fall, here in the US, there is a tradition of Football pools.  We Americans do love our football…which is what the rest of the world calls soccer BTW…and there is always someone putting together a weekly football pool to see if you can predict winners and losers and maybe make a little cash.  Apparently, we also love gambling.

Other pools

While there are unlimited things we could bet on in a pool, one of my all-time favorites is an anchor pool.  In the Navy, after a deployment, we almost always try to predict the minute we are officially “home”.  In other words, exactly what time will we drop anchor (of course, sometimes an anchor pool predicts when the ship is moored, but we still call it an anchor pool).  I never won one of those, but I ALWAYS enjoyed coming home and returning is a win all by itself!

Last one to enter

If you are the last one to enter these pools, you won’t be left with many choices and your odds of winning the pool go down dramatically.  Since it costs money to enter, never be the last one!

Last to leave

Let’s face it, once you’ve paid your money and made your selection, there is no getting out.  So, this can’t be what they are referring to.

A euphemism

It’s pretty clear to me that we’re not really talking about getting into or out of these types of pools.  Probably not talking about a pool at all!  Here’s the thing, it’s not really a good idea to be last at anything, at least not consistently.  For the sake of the rest of this discussion we are going to concentrate on being the last person to enter the pool, since the last person to exit the pool usually gets the job or promotion.

Work

For those of you who have day jobs (thankfully, I do NOT), there is probably that one person at work who is ALWAYS the last one to show up for work.  Probably late a lot too.  How do you view them? Odds are it’s not favorable, and it’s likely that management feels the same way.  If that person is you here’s a piece of advice: Stop that! In the military we say, “If you’re 15 minutes early, you’re late!”.  I understand that everyone is late sometimes, what I’m talking about it being consistently late.

The entertainment industry

While being a performer isn’t really a steady “day job” type of job, this principle holds true in this industry as well.  A production is usually a huge project with a lot of moving parts.  Any one of those parts being late throws off the whole production.  And that means money.  It costs an awful lot to put together a radio spot, TV commercial, film or TV show, and delays are very expensive.  If you want to keep working, show up on time and be ready to do your part.

Even before you get the job

Believe it or not, there is an awful lot of work that needs to be done BEFORE you even get the job.  As a freelance performer it’s part of your job to look for and find opportunities.  If you’re the last person to find an opportunity it’s quite possible that before you are even aware of it, someone has already been cast.  You’ll miss an awful lot of opportunities if you are not “Johnny on the spot” in seeking and finding them.

Auditions

This is where I believe a lot of performers miss the mark.  Most opportunities, whether they be for voice over, theater or screen acting, come with a deadline.  You submit, get asked for an audition and are given a date/time by which to have your audition recorded and submitted. If you are consistently submitting auditions at the last minute, chances are you are not booking very many jobs.

The early bird gets the worm

In this case, the early bird gets the work!  If you’re familiar with freelance performing, you already know that, as Michael Kostroff points out in his Audition Psych 101 webinar,  odds are you’re not getting the job you audition for, even if you are early AND the best person for the job.  And BTW, if you have anxiety or nerves about auditions at all…this is an awesome course for you! In VO the average booking rate is between 2-5% of the jobs we audition for.  If you’re always the last person to submit, that average is lower.

Think about it

Have you ever lost your wallet (or purse for you ladies or guys who use a purse)?  Once you find it, do you keep looking?  No?  Of course not.  If you consider that a casting director gets, say, a hundred submissions for each role, when they find a good fit on the 40th submission, how closely do they watch or listen to the remaining 60?  Probably not very closely.  You want…no, you NEED…to be in that first group to have a fighting chance.  It’s already difficult enough to get booked, being last torpedoes your chances.

Of course

If you happen to be lucky enough to be the last person to get OUT of the pool, in this instance, it means you got the job…so congratulations!

So, remember

Remember that in life, and especially in freelance performing, Never be the last person in the pool!

P.S.

Into Sacred Knowledge Promotion!  Check out these non-fiction self-help titles today!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!  And please feel free to share this blog on social media or with other people you think might enjoy it.

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Filed Under: Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Give credit. Take blame

Acting, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Give credit. Take blame”.

No brainer, right?

This week’s topic seems like a real no brainer (well, to me anyway).  This is especially true if you are in a position of leadership within a team or organization.  Not only in your work life, but your personal life as well.

What I’m NOT talking about

I’m not suggesting you take the fall for someone who commits a crime or does something dastardly.  My suggestion is not to perpetually “fall on your sword” to make yourself look good.  I’m not talking about becoming a martyr.

It’s not JUST a good idea

This concept, if you really think about it, isn’t just a “feel good” good idea either.  It’s reality.  In every example I can think of the failure of a team can be directly attributed to some failure of that team’s leadership.

Authority versus responsibility

Something the military drums into you is the concept that you can delegate authority, but you can never delegate responsibility.  When you are responsible for something it is incumbent on you to delegate authority to people who can fulfill the responsibility.  If they fail, the responsibility still rests with you.  Consequently, their failure becomes your failure.  Perhaps you didn’t communicate the task well or failed to train them to accomplish it…or maybe you just gave it to the wrong person.  In any case, the failure is your responsibility.

In the extreme

This concept is played out in the extreme within the Navy: The Captain of the ship is always ultimately responsible for anything that goes wrong.  If you pay attention to these things, you routinely see Commanding Officers relieved of duty when something goes awry.

An example

In 2017 the Navy experienced two pretty serious collisions at sea.  In each case, a navy ship collided with a commercial vessel in a crowded sea lane causing (in one case) serious loss of life and in both cases heavy and expensive damage to both vessels.  In neither case was the commanding officer on the bridge, therefore a failure in his personal judgement was not the cause.  In both cases, the CO was relieved of duty for a failure of leadership.

Why?

In both of these cases the CO was responsible for the safe navigation of his ship.  In both cases he delegated the authority of piloting the vessel to junior officers who were standing bridge watches.  In both cases there was further delegation to watch standers who were assisting the bridge officer by being lookouts and manning electronic surveillance as well as operating the (admittedly) complex systems that controlled the ships navigation system.  In each case there was a lapse in judgement or reduced familiarity with the systems/equipment that COULD have been corrected with the proper training.  The CO was responsible to make sure everyone was properly trained.  They weren’t

An aside

I am intentionally not mentioning names and am dramatically oversimplifying the circumstances and events.  This is not about the details of what happened or who might have been at fault.  I mention these horrific accidents to highlight the fact that in each case the CO could have, and arguably SHOULD have, taken actions before the accidents that may have prevented them.  It is to highlight that he takes the blame because, ultimately, he was responsible.

I recognize

I understand these are extreme examples, and most people will never be in a situation like the ones above.   These examples, however, illustrate that in all cases the leader of a team or organization is not TAKING blame, the blame actually rests with them.

However

The problem is, we are people.  And people are inherently averse to taking blame for things that go wrong when there are other people around that can be blamed.  Again, just turn to the news for examples of losing football teams pinning it on linemen, or a corporate CEO blaming their subordinates.  Whenever something goes wrong, there is generally enough finger pointing for everyone.

Many do not

Let’s face it.  If you’ve ever been the scapegoat for something, you know that many (if not most) people don’t actually accept blame very easily.  Sometimes, people work very hard to deflect blame.  Accepting the blame for something you did not personally do, even if you are the responsible party, is very difficult, yet, it is important to do so.

Giving credit

This is another area that seems to be tough for people.  If accepting blame is important, why NOT take credit as well when it goes right?  Just as it is important to take blame, it is equally important to give credit.

Teams

Everyone knows what a team is, right?  If not, click the link to get the definition, although it may not be as illustrative as you’d like.  The definition I am discussing falls under the category of “a number of persons associated in some joint action”.  This is a very broad definition, and could mean anything from a sports team, to a project team, to a band to a family. Any group of people (ostensibly) moving toward a common goal.

Acting and VO

While it is easy to see that acting is a team sport (even if it is a one man play), VO is ALSO a team sport.  The actor (for the sake of this discussion actor can mean screen/stage or voice acting) is just one part of a larger team.  On stage and screen, there is a producer, director, camera operator, sound mixer…and a multitude of other crew members.  For VO there is the actor, and while they are typically not directly involved with the talent, a producer, director, creative director etc.  You get the point…nearly everything we do as an actor is as part of a team.

And the academy award goes to…

Notice that most actors who win an award give an acceptance speech that thanks half the planet.  The reason is they recognize they are part of a team and they are not getting this award all by themselves.

WHY is it important

So now we get to the meat of the matter.  Why is it important to take blame and give credit?  There are subtle and not so subtle reasons.

Empowerment

In this industry we are counseled to “make bold choices” …although there is a bit of dissension about that…when a director (for example) takes the blame when a production is a flop, it empowers their team to continue to take risks and make “bold choices”.  Many, many fantastic roles would not happen if actors did not feel safe in making those choices.  It empowers actors to be the best they can be.

It’s not about individual glory

You may be the lead in a production, and you may have had a standout performance…but acting is a team effort.  Anyone who has ever been involved in any kind of production knows it takes a huge team to put it together.  Without them, your stand out performance would never bee seen, or recognized.  Yeah, you should accept the award…but make sure you let everyone know you didn’t do this on your own, and it was the TEAM that had made a stellar product!

Integrity

Maybe not so obvious but taking blame and giving credit shows your integrity.  As I’ve mentioned before (here and here to name just two) this industry is almost more about relationships than talent (ALMOST).  Having integrity, and having people notice that, makes you easier to work with.  No one is going to want to work with someone who blames a bad performance on their scene partner, or a flop movie on the rest of the cast and crew.

Show you have integrity

From now on, before you point the finger at someone (unless you are identifying them in a lineup), think about your role.  Never throw your team mates under the bus.  An old friend used to say “When you point one finger at someone else, you are pointing three at yourself”.  Be a good leader or team member; ALWAYS Take Blame and Give Credit.

P.S.

Into Sacred Knowledge Promotion!  Check out these non-fiction self-help titles today!

P.P.S

Also, check out this New Year Non-Fiction giveaway. This promotion ends January 31st. Please feel free to share this link with anyone of your contacts!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Filed Under: Acting, Voice Over, Wisdom

Never Gloat

Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Never Gloat”.

What is gloating?

It’s a word almost all of us are familiar with, but do we really know what it means?  Many of us (myself included until just a few minutes ago) think of gloating as bragging about accomplishments or “lording” successes over someone.  So much so, that googling “Why do people gloat?” results in the first page of results being all about bragging, and actual discussions of gloating are few and far between.

Websters

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines gloat as:

  • to observe or think about something with triumphant and often malicious satisfaction, gratification, or delight (italics mine)

Note the italicized word “malicious”. This is what sets gloating apart from bragging.

Bragging

Yeah, bragging is not cool either. It’s related to gloating, I suppose, but bragging is not malicious.  Bragging is you tooting your own horn, and boastfully proclaiming your accomplishments or successes.  Nobody like a braggart either, but their one saving grace is a lack of malice.  Brag if you must (hey we all do from time to time I suppose) and people will get tired of hearing you, but they are not likely to despise you for it.

Gloating is not bragging

Gloating is taking pleasure from others mistakes or problems.  You can dress it up like bragging if what happened makes you “right” while they were “wrong”, but it’s not bragging at all.  In German, the word for gloating is schadenfreude.  This is a compound word made up of two German words.  Schaden which means “damage” or “harm,” and Freude, meaning “joy”.  Literally, schadenfreude means joy over some harm or misfortune suffered by another.  Again, Merriam-Webster defines schadenfreude as:

  • enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.

Envy

What does envy have to do with gloating?  It is the other side of the same coin.  Envy is feeling bad when someone does well, where gloating is feeling good when someone does poorly.  The emotion of envy is parallel to the emotion of gloating.

Compassion

Interestingly, we tend to feel compassion for people who are unfortunate and have issues due to circumstances out of their control.  We gloat when we feel that the person has some responsibility in their problems.  We especially gloat when a person brags about what they’ve done, and it ends in a bad result.  We enjoy seeing someone who is “too big for their britches” get “knocked down a peg” or who are “put in their place”, especially if it makes them look silly or dumb.

It’s happened to everyone

Or nearly everyone I believe.  We’ve pretty much all been in a position where we did something others warned us against, thinking we could make it work, and ultimately realized it was a mistake.  We’ve all had that “I told you so” discussion with friends or family (ESPECIALLY parents), and it is not fun.

Bad enough

It’s bad enough that we failed, it compounds the issue when people around you, especially people who purport to care about you, rub it in and are happy that things didn’t work out.  If you can remember how those made you feel, you may be less likely to make someone else feel that way.

Gloating at work

Work MAY be the place that most gloating occurs!  Ever had a colleague who took credit for your ideas, who was later embarrassed when found out?  Feel happy about that?  That’s gloating.  Had a supervisor who wanted to try something you told them wasn’t going to work that later failed just like you told them it would?  Also gloating.

In some ways, it’s understandable

It’s pretty natural to feel vindicated when things like this happen. After all, you TRIED to warn them!  But here’s the thing:  They already feel bad (or stupid) abut the failure.  We are our own worst critics after all.  Constant reminders and jokes about the failure are just not helpful.

A side effect of gloating

Gloating makes you look petty.  It leads to other people around you not trusting you and assuming you will stab them in the back given an opportunity.  Gloating, rather than making you look smart, tends to isolate you when you do it often enough.  In this age of CORONA, where we are all pretty isolated already, that’s the last thing anyone needs.

The antidote to gloating

How do you stop yourself from feeling joy at other people’s troubles?  Empathy and compassion.  Instead of celebrating a failure, take some time to listen and understand what led to the failure.  What were they thinking?  Why did they feel whatever they did would work?  Listen until you can empathically understand what led to the mistake, but don’t try to “fix it” …just listen.  Try to remember how YOU felt when you made a big blunder, and understand they probably feel the same way.  Along the way, let them know they still have value, even if it doesn’t feel that way to them in the moment.

The entertainment industry

In this industry, there are myriad opportunities for gloating.  In an industry with so much rejection and where performers are almost constantly told to “make bold choices” it’s inevitable.  Two people audition for the same casting, one makes a very bold choice and the other gets the role.  It’s easy to say “Why did you do it that way?” and “Look my way got me the part”.

Even worse

An even worse situation, and we see it played out in entertainment news and awards shows all the time, someone GOT the part but played it in a way that did not resonate.  “What were they thinking” headlines are everywhere, and it cannot feel good to the performer to be called out in front of the entire world.

Here’s the thing

You never really know why you didn’t get cast.  Sure, it COULD be your performance, but it is just as likely that:

  1. You were too tall
  2. You were too short
  3. You were too fat
  4. You were too thin
  5. Your voice was too deep
  6. Your voice was too high
  7. Your hair was too short
  8. Your hair was too long (although this can be changed)
  9. You had a beard
  10. You didn’t have a beard

Truth is

The truth is, aside from a bad performance, there are 1000 reasons why you may not have been selected for a job.  Odds are you just didn’t fit whatever the casting director, producer or director envisioned for the part.  Gloating when you get it is unproductive, and MAY cause hard feelings that affect you later in your career.

My navy boss used to say

I’ll never forget what one of my Chief’s in the navy used to say: “Be careful what toes you step on while climbing the ladder.  They may be attached to the a** you have to kiss in the future”.  That was true then, and it’s true now.  Gloating, taking pleasure in other’s failures, creates enemies out of the very people you may be relying on for future work.

It’s about relationship

Look, I get it.  No one likes a braggart or someone who is arrogant or pompous.  It’s almost natural to celebrate when people like this fail.  But here’s the thing: while no one likes a braggart, everyone despises someone who gloats.  In an industry that relies so heavily on relationship to succeed, it is against your best interest to gloat, even if you secretly think they “got what they deserved”.  One day, you’ll get what YOU deserve, and you just won’t want other people gloating about it.

Celebrate

Instead of feeling superior and celebrating other people’s failures, how about celebrating their wins instead?  Personally, if I am competing with another person for a VO or Acting gig and they get it, I am genuinely happy for them.  I understand this is a process of selection, not rejection, and there is another gig around the corner I may be perfect for.  Don’t be the guy celebrating peoples failures…NEVER GLOAT!

P.S.

If you are looking for your next great non-fiction read, check out this New Year Non-Fiction giveaway.  Please feel free to share this link with anyone of your contacts!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Filed Under: Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant”.

 

Common sense?

I saw this topic on my list and said to myself: “Self, this is going to be a very short post”.  Why, you ask?  Well, it seems to me that the idea of not asking a woman if she’s pregnant is just common sense!  Apparently, I was wrong since a simple Google Search for that phrase, which I assumed would return meager if any results, returned 283 MILLION hits.  For those of you paying attention, that’s a lot.

Not so common.

Way back in 1996 when my youngest son Alex was just eight years old, he asked me “Dad, why do they call it COMMON sense?”.  Yeah, he was a pretty smart kid back then although that may be when he peaked, but those are stories for another day.  I told him it was satire.  Not really, but it was a fun conversation and I’m happy to be reminded of it.

Turns out…

He asked a pretty good question after all.  Because apparently common sense is not really very common at all.  I could probably write an entire blog just about common sense, but I’ll have to save it for later because this post is not about common sense, it’s about WHY you should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

It’s shocking

The first thing that struck me as I researched this topic, and while it may not seem like it, I DO research my topics, was the number of those Google hits that were written by bloggers writing about how often this has happened to them and how it made them feel.  The second thing that struck me about this was their descriptions of how it made them feel!  The third thing, go figure, is that in the vast majority of these stories it was a man who asked the question.

Full confession

I identify as a man (he/him) so I can almost understand why men are the biggest offenders.  To be fair, we can’t ever be pregnant so we can’t possibly know how it feels to nurture a human being in our bodies for nine months, nor the emotions attached to that.  On top of that we do not live in a word that tries to tell us what our “ideal body” should be.  Sure, there are SOME body expectations for men, but not only are they also imposed by other men they are not NEARLY as pervasive or have the same perceived importance in society.

Perceptions

We’ve all heard the saying that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  While it’s true, when the “beholder” is the owner of the body often times we feel as though we don’t “measure up” to some pre-prescribed notion of beauty.  Studies show that most often our perception is that we are not thin enough.  This is true for both men AND women BTW, but it is far more common for a woman to believe that her ideal body shape is thinner than her perceived actual body shape.  Just so we are clear here:  Women – you are beautiful.  Tall, short, fat thin…all of you are marvelous and beautiful.

In other words

It’s a lot more common for a woman to look at herself in the mirror, and no matter what body type she has, think “I’m fat”, than it is for a man to think that.  This is thanks in large part to the way the media portrays women.  Runway models are mostly too thin to be healthy.  Movies and TV shows depict mostly thin girls/women.  Let’s face it, media is trying to sell us on the idea that THEIR product is going to give us the body we want, which infers we now have the body we (and ostensibly everyone else) don’t want.

Research

The majority of research into the topic of body self-image has been conducted on women until relatively recently.  Recent studies indicate that women are more likely than men to have a negative self-image of their bodies.  Studies show that most of a woman’s dissatisfaction with her body centers around their weight.  Bear in mind this is on average, or a generalization.  All you have to do is look around a bit to see this is true.  Most weight loss programs highlight women who have lost weight, most not all.  Notice that most beauty products are also targeted at women.

Competition

Why is this so?  Well, guys, do you think your wife/GF/SO gets all dolled up for you?  Think again.  Studies ALSO show that the primary, if unconscious, reason women work hard to look younger and slimmer is to compete with other women!  You see, men are visual creatures and women are more focused on things other than looks, such as confidence, humor, success etc.  The perception is that if a woman is “attractive” then she will find it easier to attract a mate.  It’s evolution on display.

All that to say…

There are some pretty good, even if not emotionally healthy, reasons why you should never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.  Think about it.  A pregnant woman is carrying around an 8-10 pound human in their midsection.  Generally speaking, this young human makes their belly bulge noticeably, at least in the last trimester of the pregnancy.  When you ask a woman if she’s pregnant, you are saying “I see a large bulge in your belly”.  If she’s not actually pregnant you are essentially saying “You look fat”.

Bad things can happen

There are several negative consequences to asking this question.  Perhaps she was pregnant and recently lost a child.  This is traumatic in and of itself, and then to be randomly reminded of it just rips the scab off the wound…if it has even scabbed over yet.  It can trash someone’s self-esteem, lower their confidence and could lead to depression or even fuel eating disorders and other mental health issues.

Self-esteem

Low self esteem can affect many areas of someone’s life.  It reduces confidence and may keep them from doing things they truly love, or prevent them from trying something new that could change their life.  Everything I’ve read indicates that a woman is already far more likely to have a low self-image and probably reduced confidence all on their own.  Inadvertently calling someone fat by asking if they’re pregnant only makes this worse.

To be honest…

These sort of negative consequences happen in men as well, although less frequently, but no one is going to ask a man if he’s pregnant so we focused on the repercussions for women here.  But guys, how would you feel if someone walked up to you and said “Hey, you look fat”?  Probably not great.

Truth is…

It’s probably none of your business anyway.  If a woman IS pregnant, and she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.

How does this relate to voice over or acting?

Well, it doesn’t really…not directly anyway.  But self-esteem and confidence in this industry are really quite important.  The industry is already rife with rejection, and the last thing we need is for anyone to add to the stress of it by randomly critiquing what we do or how we look.

You may think actors are confident…

And some may be.  After all, what we do is out there in front of the whole world to see.  But many performers struggle with imposter syndrome, constantly critique our performances and believe we could do better.  We are our own worst critics.  We don’t do this work because we think we are awesome, we do it because we love it and HOPE other people think we’re awesome.

At the end of the day…

None of us (well, MOST of us anyway) want to crush someone’s self-esteem or make them feel bad about themselves.  We want to build one another up, not tear each other down…even with an “innocent” question.  Asking someone if they’re pregnant MAY not be so innocent, so: Under no circumstances should you ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

P.S.

If you are looking for your next great non-fiction read, check out this New Year Non-Fiction giveaway.  Please feel free to share this link with anyone of your contacts!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know and share it with friends and family.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Filed Under: Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Thank You, Happy Holidays and Never Pose With Booze

Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “Never pose with booze”.

Thank you

As we approach the end of 2021, I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who reads this blog week after week, to all my colleagues who are the most helpful bunch on the planet, to my clients who let me keep doing this work that I love, to my agents and managers for always being positive and supportive,  and especially to my family and friends who have been very supportive over the last year.  I am grateful for each and every one of you.  Thank you for a stellar year, for reading my ramblings here, for allowing me to corner you into watching the short films I have been a part of and for generally being there for me.

Happy Holidays!

No matter what or how you celebrate, I’d like to say “HAPPY HOLIDAYS” to all of you!  I wish for a happy, successful (however you define success) and joyous New Year.  I look forward to sharing with you my successes and struggles in 2022 (2020 too?  YIKES, let’s hope not!).  My wish for all of you (and for myself I suppose) is that no matter how good (or bad) 2021 was for you that 2022 will be noticeably better.

It may be ironic

I’ve got myself a list of topics to write about each week, and it’s just ironic that THIS topic came to the top three days before the biggest drinking day of the year.  Enjoy your New Year’s Eve celebration, but please be safe and don’t drink and drive!

You’ve got less than a week, BTW

I’d also like ot point out that as it is now (as I write this) December 28th, you have only three days left to come up with New Year’s Resolutions that you can abandon by February 1st.  For me, I will resolve to lose weight next year, but since we’ll likely have a feast on New Year’s Day, I will abandon mine on January 1st.  I prefer to be efficient.

On to the topic at hand

OK, now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk abut this week’s topic “Never pose with booze”.

Never

I’m not a fan of this word. My kids will tell you that I tell them all the time “Never say never”.  Never is a LONG time and you never know what could happen in the future, so I will caveat this topic to say, “Don’t pose with booze if it is not for a specific purpose”.

Why?

It seems silly to avoid posing with a drink in your hand.  Almost everyone who is “of age” (and let’s face it, many who are not) have enjoyed a beer, a glass of wine or a cocktail at some point.  Maybe at many points.  So why in the world is it a bad idea to pose doing something nearly everyone does?

Alcohol

Let’s start by looking at how alcohol affects a person’s body and behavior.  We all know, or have been told, that excess alcohol consumption can have major negative effects on health.  This is not a blog for a 12 step recovery program, so I’m not talking about alcoholism.  However, if you or someone you know has a real drinking problem, stop reading now and reach out to someone for help.  Start with Alcoholics Anonymous and get the help you need.  For family members reach out to Al-Anon.

It’s a brain thing

Alcohol consumption influences your brain.  Big revelation there, eh?   What happens is alcohol interferes with the communication pathways in your brain affecting the way your brain works.  It has a tendency to lower inhibitions, increase aggression and generally make people act in a way they probably would not when sober.  Clinically this is described in this way: “…alcohol impairs the information processing needed to inhibit response impulses–the abilities to foresee negative consequences of the response, to recall inhibiting standards…” (Steele CM, Southwick L. Alcohol and social behavior I: The psychology of drunken excess).  Again, we pretty much all know this.

We make bad decisions

In short what alcohol does, or at least can do, is create an environment in our brain where we have a tendency to make poor decisions.  Everyone has a story about a drunken friend who did something stupid or got themselves in trouble.  Maybe you (well, not YOU, but someone you know) got arrested for a DUI.  Maybe you said something to your family you regret.  Maybe you vomited on your boss’s shoes in the parking lot of the club (that’s a story for another time).  MAYBE you don’t even remember doing it!

Social standards

How do you define a bad decision?  Well, generally speaking we compare a behavior against some social norm or standard.  If you are acting in a way that is against or contrary to a social standard, we say that is bad behavior, or making a bad decision.  Drunk driving isn’t bad because you could hurt YOURSELF as much as because you can hurt others.  It goes against society, and against an established standard (of not doing things that hurt other people).

Interestingly

Studies show that people who have been drinking act against standards more often when the conflict with standards is the greatest.  In other words, you are MORE likely (when drinking) to behave badly when the “conflict” with social standards is the most extreme.  So, if it is a small mistake, you probably won’t make it…but if it is a HUGE mistake, well, that’s where you are more likely to go.

In perpetuity

This is a phrase artists hate to see.  For us, this means your client has the right to use your voice or image forever without compensating you.  It happens, but we don’t like it.  The problem as it relates to posing with booze these days is: It is in perpetuity.  Thanks to the internet and in particular social media, no matter what you do, it will always be there.  And people can (and will) find it.  People like prospective clients and employers. You can’t delete the internet.

Relationship

Let’s face it, this industry is all about relationships.  As I’ve said before, many times relationship is more important than talent (at least marginally).  I’m not suggesting someone with no talent can work consistently if they are good at relationship, but a very talented butt-head will work less than a less talented great person.

Guilt by association

I’m sure you’re familiar with this term.  When you have a relationship with someone people will “relate” their behavior with you.  No one is going to want to work with someone whose social media is loaded with pictures of themselves doing drunken things.  Everyone has seen pictures of drunken celebrities doing dumb things.  And we could all name some folks whose careers took a deep nosedive after doing dumb things while intoxicated.

Negative press

And negative press, while still press, is not the kind you want as a performer.  If all your pictures feature you with booze, when you finally do make a mistake, it’s not gonna be good for your career.

Times TO pose with booze

Getting back to the “never say never” idea, there are sometimes when posing with booze would be acceptable.  For example, if you are in a production that features booze, or you play a character that is an alcoholic…it wouldn’t be terrible to pose with booze.  Or should you book a gig to advertise some form of alcoholic drink, then you HAVE to pose with booze.  The key here is it is not YOU who is doing the posing, it is the character you are portraying.

At the end of the day

No matter where you are or what you’ve been doing, when someone pulls out a camera, put the glass down.  Of course, as we’ve talked about, if you’ve been drinking already you are less likely to follow this advice.

Lastly

Alcoholism (and addiction in general) affects nearly every family here in the US in some way.  It is a horrible disease that breaks up families, causes pain to the alcoholic and nearly everyone around them.  If you or someone you know needs help with addiction for alcohol or any other substance, reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) right away to get started on recovery.  Remember that withdrawal from alcohol and other substances can be dangerous, even fatal and should be monitored by healthcare professionals.  You may not be able to do it yourself, but you CAN beat addiction.

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

 

Filed Under: Acting, Encouragement, Voice Over, Wisdom

It’s never to late for an apology

Acting, Encouragement, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

Continuing the series

With this week’s topic “It’s never too late for an apology”.

Oh, apologies…

Yep, if you are a human being who is in contact with other human beings it is inevitable that you will do something that hurts or angers one of the other humans.  Intentional or not, we humans are GOING to do something that requires an apology.  Not IF, WHEN.

When should you apologize?

The truth is, as tough as it can be to apologize to someone, sooner is better than later.  Honestly, even if it is already later, apologize before it gets later still.  If you owe someone an apology, NOW is the time (whenever NOW is).  Frankly, it’s never too late!

Why is it important to apologize?

There are many reasons why apologizing when you’ve hurt someone or even just broken a rule of social conduct is good both for the person you’ve “wronged” and yourself.  Psychologists have studied the benefits and have come up with several reasons:

Trust

Apologizing lets the injured party know that you both know what the “rules” are and that you agree they should be followed.  It restores trust and helps them feel safe when they know you agree that hurtful behavior is not OK.

Dignity

A sincere apology restores dignity to the person you’ve hurt.  It lets them know that you are aware that whatever you have done was your fault and not theirs.  It helps them to feel better and it helps them “save face”.

Comfort

An apology will help to repair damaged relationships and facilitates communication.  It helps people start to feel comfortable with each other again and allows you to begin rebuilding damaged relationships.

Apologizing is not weak!

If I had to guess I would guess that almost everyone who is reading this has had, or knows someone who has had, a relationship completely destroyed over some argument or another, and because neither person wanted to “break down” and apologize that relationship stays damaged for a very long time.  Why is it that we feel we need to “break down” and apologize, as though life were some sort of game to be won or lost?  It seems we humans feel that apologizing is a sign of weakness, but in fact a sincere apology is a sign of strength!

Admitting fault

I think this is where it gets difficult and what keeps many of us from apologizing (sincerely) when we need to.  Let’s face it, none of us are perfect and in any disagreement, there is probably plenty of blame to go around on both (or more) sides.  THIS is where our pride gets involved.  It is difficult to look objectively at our own behavior and recognize where we are at fault.  Humility is key here.

Sincerity

I’ve used the term “sincere apology” several times here and for a good reason.  A genuine apology is sincere!  But what IS a sincere apology? Glad you asked!

Just saying “Sorry” …

Just muttering sorry is not really an apology!  It is so easy to say sorry and not mean it.  The truth is simply saying sorry is not really an apology.  A sincere apology has several aspects to give it real meaning.

  1. Own your action.
  2. Admit your mistake
  3. Show remorse.
  4. Ask forgiveness.
  5. Fix it by stating what you are going to do moving forward.

It is NOT easy

Take a look at that list again.  A sincere apology is not easy.  Just the first step may be the toughest one of all: Owning your action!  Just admitting that you have done something that requires an apology is a tough pill to swallow.  Any sincere apology starts with YOU, understanding that whatever you have done has hurt someone.

Facing the person you’ve hurt

The next tough thing is actually facing the person you’ve hurt.  Ever had to speak to someone who is mad at you for something you’ve done?  It’s tough sometimes to even get them to listen to you at all!  And then admitting out loud to them that you’ve made a mistake, showing remorse and humbly asking for forgiveness can leave some people paralyzed with fear.  If you can get to the last step, telling them how you’ll fix it…it starts to get easier.

What does a sincere apology look like?

A sincere apology might go something like this (fictional names of course):  Bob, I need to apologize for (this thing I did or said), I should never have done that, and I feel terrible that my actions have hurt you.  I would like to humbly ask your forgiveness for that, and I will make sure it never happens again by (how you’ll fix it).

It’s hard to stay mad

Think about someone your upset with.  If they came to you like this and asked forgiveness, how hard would it be to stay mad?  It is almost impossible to stay mad at someone who humbles themselves to you, admits their wrongdoing and asks for forgiveness.  One major benefit of offering a sincere apology is people don’t stay mad at you.

It’s not a miracle cure

No matter how sincere (or timely) you deliver an apology, don’t expect things to just return to normal right away.  Remember that your apology does not undo what was done.  It will not instantly reverse the hurt or embarrassment your actions have caused.  What it WILL do is start the healing process.  It provides hope and a path to rebuilding a relationship.

My story

This story may bring the idea home.  I had a disagreement with one of my children.  That’s not uncommon, but we are both pretty stubborn and strong willed and without naming names or going into details it caused us to become estranged.  It was terrible and I wanted nothing more than to heal that relationship…nothing more EXCEPT admitting I was wrong.  We did not communicate, at all, for THIRTEEN YEARS.  Yes, you read that right…thirteen years.

And then, tragedy

Again, no details but we found ourselves coming together in the same place over a tragedy.  It was uncomfortable and awkward, but we managed to have a short time alone and, after 13 years, I apologized (and I am not ashamed to admit I cried).  After all that time he forgave me and apologized for his role in the rift. Today, 5-ish years later we speak often and once again have a good relationship.  My pride (and stubbornness) took 13 years of my child away.  This is not something I’d wish on anyone.

It was NOT too late…

Thirteen years is a long time to be mad at someone.  It is a very long time to owe someone an apology and not give it. BUT…it was not TOO long.  It was not too late.  It’s never too late.

What does this have to do with VO and acting?

While the majority of this blog has been discussing personal relationships and the importance of apologizing, it is JUST as important in our line of work.  What is the entertainment industry based on?  Relationships!   Every interaction with a client or fellow performer is an opportunity to build relationships.  If we can remember that what we do is NOT focused on getting jobs or making bank, but in helping people bring their projects to life then we can focus on relationship and what we can do for them.

It’s almost MORE important in this industry

Everyone can think of some celebrity that has acted poorly and needs to apologize.  Most of us can point at someone in the industry whose career has come crashing down prematurely for lack of a sincere apology.  The thing is, in this industry, your success is based as much on your reputation and relationships as it is on your talent.  In most cases a producer/director would rather work with talent that is easy to work with and has a good reputation with minimal talent than an extremely talented person who is difficult to work with and can’t own up to their bad behavior.

But we ALSO know of…

Some entertainers who have acted badly, fallen from grace but then sincerely apologized and changed their behavior…and their careers take off like crazy.  I won’t name any, but I can think of a half dozen off the top of my head.  My guess is Google will find 1,280,000,000 results for “celebrities whose careers came back after an apology”.   This search result alone should convince you!

It’s never too late for an apology

It’s said that it’s important to apologize promptly, and I would agree with that.  What I may feel differently about is the definition of promptness when it comes to an apology.  The truth is the time to apologize is NOW.  That’s prompt.  It doesn’t matter how much time has passed since whatever it is you’ve done required an apology, because, It’s never too late for an apology!

If you enjoyed this, please leave a comment below to let me know.  If you DIDN’T enjoy it, well, I’d like to hear from you too!

If you haven’t already, please feel free to subscribe so you don’t miss anything!

Filed Under: Acting, Encouragement, General, Voice Over, Wisdom

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